Today is August 11, 2015. It’s 90 degrees and sunny here in Portland, Oregon, and people are frolicking on the sandy beaches of the Columbia River, since it’s hot and it’s summertime and that’s what you’re supposed to do on a hot summer’s day.
Today is also the day I stopped by the drugstore for some ice packs and happened upon a Halloween Candy display. Halloween. As in October 31st. As in the second best candy holiday in America, but one that is firmly rooted in the chilly fall. Nevertheless, I purchased one of these Halloween candies for (cough cough) research purposes. Here are my findings:
The Russell Stover Dark Chocolate & MARSHMALLOW Pumpkin is 110 calories of sugary goodness. There is no actual pumpkin involved in the treat. Except for the fact that the candy is vaguely pumpkin-shaped (although, let’s be honest, pumpkins come in a wide variety of blob-like shapes and almost any candy could arguably be called pumpkin-shaped), this tasty treat has no connection to pumpkins or Halloween or summer or food. I’m also not sure why it must yell MARSHMALLOW at me, but that’s an issue for another day.
As for the candy itself – the dark chocolate coating is wafer thin and the marshmallow is soft, gooey, and as fresh as only a 2.5 month premature marshmallow can be. It was so sweet it actually hurt my teeth, which is worrying on a number of levels, but it was also exactly how I expected it to be. It was like eating the candy incarnate of diabetes itself, and it was delicious.
For those who want a more descriptive account of the taste – are you familiar with soft marshmallow, more firm than marshmallow fluff but softer than your typical store-bought bagged marshmallows and minus the powdery exterior? Are you familiar with briefly running your tongue against a cheap bar of dark chocolate? Can you imagine combining those two experiences and injecting them into the center of your teeth where unborn cavities live? Can you also imagine some small part of you enjoying this experience in a deeply guilty way? Then that, my friend, is the Russell Stover Dark Chocolate & MARSHMALLOW Pumpkin, enjoyed on a hot summer’s day in mid-August, after a big lunch and before a long nap.
How early do you think it’s acceptable to start selling and/or consuming Halloween candy? How many naps will it take before my EMT camp sleep debt is repaid? Did you know Easter is the best candy holiday in America? Share in the comments!