Recently there was an article in the WSJ lamenting about how the new generation is so much slower than the old, thereby throwing into question the general competitiveness and general life ability of anyone under 40.
I have to wholeheartedly agree with that article and the other loudmouths (many of whom are quoted in the article) who wring their hands and cry about those who do not finish in under 3 hours. Because if you’re taking that long to eat a pizza, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Whether you do it in public or private, for the accolades or the simple feel of it – it matters to other people how long it takes you to eat your pizza, and if you’re not doing it right, it affects others in some ineffable way.
“But wait, Fat Panda Lady, didn’t I pay for this pizza? In fact, didn’t my pizza dollars make it possible for those fast-pizza-eaters to enjoy their pizza and their pizza-related prizes such as breadsticks and dipping sauce?” It matters not, slow-pizza-eater! What matters is what I think matters! The longer you take to eat your pizza, the less time you have to admire those who eat their pizza more quickly, and those people deserve your attention and praise and all the good things.
“But don’t they get those things already? Don’t they get eating medals and their own sense of victory?” Yes, they do, but they don’t like it when you get any of those things, and when you enjoy your pizza, it makes them enjoy their pizza less.
“But… how? Why?” Because the fact that you dare to eat pizza when, back in the 1600s, very few people ate pizza at all, and those that did, did so quickly and decisively, makes other people confused, and they might think that all pizza-eaters are alike, and that all pizza eaten is to be celebrated.
“But shouldn’t all pizza should be celebrated? Isn’t it great that more people are eating it and enjoying it?” No, it’s not. Eating pizza is meant to be difficult, painful, and reserved for the elite. I know that some chefs are even baking pizzas meant to be savored and enjoyed, and that also is an outrage to me. All pizzas should be identical and designed to be wolfed down. If you’re not focusing on increasing your speed, you shouldn’t be eating pizza at all.
“But I like pizza, including slow-artisan pizzas, and I have other things in my life that prevent me from eating quickly, plus some jaw injuries, and speed-eating is simply not one of my goals right now…” Ah-ha! I’ve got you! You admit that eating faster isn’t one of your goals, and that enrages me.
“Why?” Because! If you tried to eat pizza faster, the entire United States competitive eating circuit would be different, and maybe we could become a world eating superpower in the Olympics.
“Let me get this straight – you’re saying if I personally tried to shave a few minutes off my pizza-eating time, the USA might win an Olympic medal? But even if I cut my time in half, I personally wouldn’t qualify for the Olympics… so why would it matter what time people like me take to finish?” Because!
“That’s not an answer.” It’s enough for me! Now give me your pizza – you don’t deserve to eat it at any speed.
(This post actually has nothing to do with tomorrow’s annual New York City Pizza Run, which regrettably I am not doing this year, but I will be practicing my speed-pizza-eating skills over the next 365 days for next year’s run, so as not to anger those that care about these sorts of things.)